What will we do with the Cullens?
by butterfinger45
Summary: This is a hilarious multi-chapter fic!maybe emmett eats peanut butter, maybe jasper gets tied up with christmas lights, maybe alice kidnaps bella on a huge shopping splurge, youll never know!
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first Fanfic! I will give everyone who reviews a BIG hug! And a cookie, if you want one.**

RPOV

_It's lucky that this car has shaded windows,_ I thought. _It's a sunny day. _

I was pulling into the parking lot of a big store that Alice and I agreed looked like it had nice clothes. I was about to pull the keys out of the ignition when my cell phone buzzed in my pocket.

"Hello?" I asked, thinking it was probably Emmett calling to say he had gotten his hair stuck in a curling iron. Boy was I creative.

"Rosalie? Emmett wants to talk to you."

_Well then, why didn't HE call me?_

"Yeah, sure. What's he done this time?"

"Well, uh, er, he kind of-here. You can talk to him."

"Rose?" asked Emmett. His voice sounded guilty. Uh oh.

"Emmett, what did you do?" my voice was starting to rise to a furious level.

"Well, uh, nothing big." He assured me. I sighed.

"Well?"

"Well, uh, I kind of got my hair stuck in a curling iron." He muttered, hoping I wouldn't hear correctly. Of course, I did.

"EMMETT!"

"What?" he said defensively.

"For gods sake, WHY DID YOU GET YOUR STUPID HAIR STUCK IN A STUPID CURLING IRON!? YOUR HAIR IS CURLY ENOUGH ALREADY!"

"Well, uh, no reason. Hey, how's your shopping going?" he said this all very quickly, obviously trying to change the subject.

"Emmett, why-in-the-world-did-you-even-try-to-curl-your-hair?" I said this slowly and with pauses in between each word, trying to calm down. It didn't work. I was shaking with fury and the people who were passing by our car were looking at me worriedly.

"Rosalie, you should come back. We can't get it out ourselves."

_Edward._

Alice quickly took the phone from me before I smashed it into oblivion.

"Yeah Edward, that'd be great. You keep trying, okay? Bye."

"Emmett is going to get it." I said in a low and threatening tone.

EMPOV

"Now I'm going to top it of with-! Drum roll, please!" I said as dramatically as I could, "With a healthy dose of whipped cream!"

"Emmett, you can't even eat whipped cream, and we don't have any in the house, thank god." Said Edward with his eyes closed, massaging his temples.

"Ah, but there will be very soon!" said I, the almighty important person**(A/N-or should I say vampire)**.

EPOV

"Now I'm going to top it of with-! Drum roll, please!" said Emmett, with an attempt at drama,"With a healthy dose of whipped cream!"

"Emmett, you can't even eat whipped cream, and we don't have any in the house, thank god." I said with my eyes closed, fingers on my temples.

"Ah, but there will be very soon!" said Emmett.

I felt a slight breeze. I opened my eyes to see the front door wide open, swinging on its hinges.

_Rosalie is going to kill me._

EMPOV

I was off to the store, at last!

When I arrived at Kroger, I went straight to the aisle with whipped cream.

_Now, which kind should I get? This kind, or that kind? Hmm… Well, this kind is prettier. At least, the can is. I'll get this._

When I was exiting the store, I saw Edward through the glass. He was coming for me. It looked like he was going in the right door, so I slipped silently through the left.

When I got home, I positioned myself hiding behind one of the huge vases beside our front door, poised with the can of whipped cream in one hand.

RPOV

We just pulled into the driveway, when I smelled it. Trouble.

I walked up to the front door cautiously. As I opened it, I got a face full of white, fluffy,**(A/N-yep, you guessed it!)** whipped cream.

**So how was it? I'll update as soon as I can! Press the pretty pretty review button! See how pretty it is?**


	2. birthday surprise

**thanks to Tassel630 for being the first one to review! and also thanks to x-Insanity's Best Friend-x for being the first one to put it on story alert!pleeeeeeeeease review! in case anyone was wondering, last chapter emmett really did have a curling iron stuck in his hair, but it was for the prank, and edward thought it was for real.**

APOV

This was going to be awesome! Today was Jasper's birthday, and I had the perfect gift for him! I heard Edward on the stairs with Bella.

"Alice," he called.

"What?" I asked innocently.

"What did you see? Tell me!"

"Nope! But I'll give you a clue: it's hilarious!"

"Does it have anything to do with Jasper's birthday?" he asked suspiciously.

"It might." I said over my shoulder as I walked away. I heard Bella ask Edward if I was blocking him from my mind. He told her I was translating the ABC's backwards into Arabic.

JPOV

As I lay on the couch in our room, I heard Alice and Edward having a conversation downstairs. I tuned it out to listen to the sweet music that came floating out from from the CD player on the table next to the couch. I heard Alice bouncing up the stairs, heading to our room.

"Jasper! Guess what?" she sang as she danced into the room.

"What? What happened?" I asked suspiciously.

"Today's your birthday!"

"Oh! Wow, it is?"

"Of course, Jazz, what else?" she asked, slightly hurt.

"Okay, so what do humans do on their birthdays?" I asked. "Besides cutting themselves like only only Bella could and almost being eaten by six thirsty vampires." I added.

"Well first, we go SHOPPING!"

"For what?"

"Party decorations, duh! What else?" she grabbed my hand and pulled me out of our room, down the stairs, and into her Porsche.

"Where to?" I asked her, dreading what she was going to say.

"Well, first we go to that clothes store I loved, to buy you a birthday outfit!"

the look on my face was horrified. "A-a birthday outfit!?"

"Oh, don't worry, it really is an outfit!" she assured me.

that calmed me down a bit.

When we exited the store, I was carrying a collared red button up shirt with a pair of gray dress pants, along with a box of shiny, black tuxedo shoes. After we put the clothes in the car, Alice dragged me to a store that sold all kinds of everything. She found some tissue paper in a roll **(That you hang up around the room)**, balloons of every color, party hats, little blowers and face paint all in the time span of 30 seconds.

"Wow!" the cashier said, while sneaking side ways glances at me, "Hosting a party?"

"Yes," said Alice, snuggling close to me, "My _husband_ and Iplan to have a party."

APOV

When we arrived home, Edward and Bella were having a _moment_ on the sofa. I cleared my throat loudly.

"Uh, guys? This is kind of public property. Couldn't you go to Edwards room?"

"Sure," said Bella, looking disappointed that her kiss was broken, _again._

"Sorry," smiled Alice, "but we have a party to set up!"

2 hours later

"There!" said Alice as she gazed upon the living room. It was decked out in all colors, streamers everywhere, and balloons covering the ceiling, walls, and furniture. It was after Alice had asked Emmett for help, and finding out that Emmett had wrapped himself in pink streamers, and had walked around like a zombie, pink tissue paper streaming behind him, that Alice had sent Emmett away.

"Now, Jasper, go change." instructed Alice, "This is going to be so much fun!"

JPOV

"Now, Jasper, go change." said Alice, "This is going to be so much fun!"

I zipped up the stairs, and into our room. I quickly slipped off my clothes and eyed the dress outfit with distaste. I sighed, and pulled the shirt and pants on. It took a while to get the shoes on, because Alice had gotten a size too small.

As I walked downstairs, I saw Alice waiting with a small present in her hands, with the family behind her. They were all wearing smirks, as though they had been let in on a secret I hadn't.

"Jazzy!" squeaked Alice. "Here's your present from me! Open it!"

I sighed, and took the gift from her hands. I tore the wrapping paper off, and examined my gift from Alice.

It was a pair of mood rings.

**There, finished with this chapter! do you want eternal glory, fame, and money? well then, click on the button below!**


	3. Birthday surprise 2

**Sorry that I couldn't update, I literally didn't have any time! I just now escaped to the computer.**

EMMETTPOV

I hummed an unfamiliar tune to myself as I walked into the living room. I needed Jasper to help me assemble a gift I got for my one and only true love, Rosalie.

"Jasper?" I called softly.

"Up here" I heard his distracted voice coming from his room. He was probably having a 'moment' with Alice. I zoomed up the stairs and stopped outside his door.

_Huh, never mind. I don't smell Alice in there. Wonder what he's doing._

I knocked on the door, and listened. Silence. I sighed.

"Jasper, can I come in?"

My reply was a barely heard mumble, even to my ears. I sighed again, and pushed the door open. Jasper was sitting on the couch next to the mirror, staring with focused concentration on something in his left hand.

"Jasper, what the he-"

I was quieted by Jasper flapping his right arm at me.

"Uh, um-" I floundered with a confused look on my face.

"Shhh!" said Jasper loudly, even though I was right next to him.

"What are you doing, Jasper?" I asked, getting straight to the point.

"Shhh!" he said, louder this time. I wandered out the door and down the stairs into the living room. I brushed past Alice on the way down, who was dragging Bella up the steps, probably for another make over.

"Hey, Alice!" I called.

"What?" she said impatiently.

"Do you know what's up with Jasper? He's acting weird."

"He is?" asked Bella.

"Yeah, he just keeps telling me to shut up!" I shrugged.

"Let's go look at him." Said Carlisle, who had just appeared.

I lead the party up the stairs, and filed into Alice's and Jasper's room.

Jasper was sitting in the same position on the couch, obviously not having moved an inch.

"He was like that when I came in." I told Carlisle.

"Hmm… Well, what's he staring at?" Carlisle walked over the Jasper's side and looked over his shoulder. His eyes widened, and then he looked closer. Jasper didn't seem to notice.

"What? What's he looking at?" asked Alice impatiently, walking quickly over to her husband. Alice also looked stunned.

"Well, he appears to be staring at his new mood rings that Alice got him." Carlisle explained, looking confused.

"Why?" demanded Alice.

"I don't know Alice, maybe you could look into the future. But wait! That's impossible! Silly me…" I said with a hint of sarcasm. Alice glowered at me.

"Fine, fine! Okay, wait…" her eyes glazed over and her arms fell to her sides. We all waited patiently for her to finish. Finally, Alice jerked out of her stupor.

"All I saw was him staring at his ring some more!" she groaned.

"Well, maybe he's trying to get it to 'be happy', or become a different color, since it would be black if it touched his cold skin." suggested Bella.

"Why would he be trying to do that? Jasper's not that dumb." interjected Alice.

"Yeah." Everyone else vaguely agreed.

"Why don't we ask Edward what's up? He'll be able to read his mind." Alice said.

"Can't, he's out hunting with Rosalie and Esme, that's why he's not here." I countered.

"Well, let's call his cell phone." Said Bella, glad of an excuse to talk to Edward.

"Okay." We agreed. We called his cell, but it turned out that he left it here, charging.

"Great! I guess we'll just have to wait here and, well, wait." Sighed Carlisle.

**5 hours later**

**NOBODYINPARTICULARPOV**

"Edward!" Bella squeaked and threw herself into his arms.

"Hello, love. I missed you."

"Mm, me too."

"Okay, okay, break up the party, people, this isn't a love story." Said Alice. "Edward, we need you upstairs! Now!"

"Why?" he asked. Alice didn't answer, but instead gazed at Edward directly. He stared back at her, looking intently into her golden eyes.

"Ah," he said softly.

"Come on!" cried Alice. "I want my husband back!"

Edward scooped Bella up, and, ignoring her protests, ran up the stairs with Alice. He stopped out side Alice and Jasper's room, and set Bella down.

"C'mon, love," he murmured. When they entered the room, the scene was the same it had been for the past two hours. Carlisle was standing beside Jasper, who was also in the same position. Emmett was lounging on the other couch on the opposite side of the room.

"Edward!" cried Carlisle as Alice, Edward, Bella, Esme, and Rosalie filed into the now cramped room. "Could you look into Jasper's mind for us and find out what he's doing and why?" Edward was already closing his eyes, his fingers at his temples. All of the Cullens plus Bella were extremely quiet, not wanting to interrupt him. At last, Edward opened his mind.

"I can't be sure, which is odd, it's like his mind is all fuzzy like a television, but it seems as if he's trying to make his mood ring 'cheer up' with his power.

"What did I tell you?" muttered Bella. "No one listens to the human…"

**That's it! I'm really sorry that took so long! I'm also sorry that I can't reply to reviews. Parental rules, see. But don't let that stop you! Keep 'em coming!**


	4. I need help

**I'm really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really sorry that this isn't an update... but I have writers block and can't think of anything! If you have any wonderful ideas that you think I should write, PLEASE TELL ME VIA REVIEWS! I NEED IDEAS TO WRITE! sorry, done now. Anyway, I got a hair cut and I think it looks cool! Please review just to tell me your opinion. **


	5. cravings

**Sorry I took so long to update…… I had major week-long writers block! But I finally have seen the light…**

EPOV

Bella and I were driving home from school on a rainy day.

"It's a rainy day," commented Bella. "I'm hungry!" she added.

"What do you want?"

"MANGOS! AND PEACHES! AND PIZZA! AND CHOCOLATE! AND MANDARIAN ORANGES! AND CHEESE! AND CHEF BOYARDEE! AND SPAGETTIOS! AND LOLLIPOPS!" she shouted.

"EDWARD! GIVE ME COOKIES!" she was now panting like a dog, with a crazed look in her eyes.

"Bella, calm down! I'll get you food!" I said hurriedly. "Wait." She waited, still panting, clutching the seat and staring at me as my cell phone buzzed.

"Hello?" I asked, holding my cell phone with one hand, while with the other I was wrestling with Bella as she tried to grab the cell phone.

"Edward? Has Bella started acting crazy yet?" asked Alice into the phone.

"Thanks for tipping me off, Alice." I said grimly as I was holding my cell phone away from my ear as Bella was trying to grab it.

"Well, you better get her home, and fast. Mike Newton is in the car behind you."

I cursed and looked in the rearview mirror. Sure enough, Mike Newton's minivan was driving behind my shiny Volvo. I quickly sped home.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I dragged Bella into the house while she was practically frothing at the mouth.

"Carlisle! What's going on with her!?" I asked frantically.

"I don't know, I think we're just going to have to wait until it wears off." He shrugged.

"ESME!" Bella screamed. She ran over to Esme, and hugged her. "Come on, lets go watch TV!" she dragged Esme over to the couch, even though Esme could resist, and plopped down next to Emmett.

"EMMETT! NICE TO SEE YOU! HOW'S IT GOIN'?" she leaned over and pecked Emmett on the cheek. Edward looked furious.

For the next five hours, we waited for Bella to calm down as she ran around the house, screaming, sometimes singing random songs, watching Tellitubbies on television, and saying the most random things to everyone in the house. Finally, Carlisle came back in from trying to figure out what was wrong with Bella.

"Carlisle!" I ran over to him with a questioning expression.

"CARLISLE! MY BESTEST BUDDY! WHERE'VE YOU BEEN!?" shouted Bella, running over to him and throwing her arms around him.

"Well Edward, there seems to be nothing wrong with her. But I did pick up some fast drowsiness pills from the store."

"BRILLIANT!" yelled Bella.

"Esme, can you take these into the kitchen and get a glass of water and figure out the dosage? I don't understand these human things." Said Carlisle, handing Esme the package.

"Bella, darling, please go lay on the couch." Said Edward, trying to get her ready to have the medicine.

"WHAT IF I DON'T WANT TO!?" said Bella loudly.

"Well, uh, we-are going to play a game." Improvise Edward.

"Oh, GOODIE!" yelled Bella, skipping over to the couch.

"Now, Bella, you have to lay down and close your eyes, or it won't work." Said Esme, coming into the room with a glass of water and two small, white pills. Bella lay back and closed her eyes.

"Okay, now Bella, you have to take these pills, because these will make the game work." Said Esme gently. Bella quickly gulped down the pills, and looked at everyone as they stared at her.

"Wha-?" said Bella drowsily as the pills started to kick in. Edward sighed.

"Edward…" Bella said sluggishly.

"Yes?"

"I still want some mangos…"


	6. Interruptions

**Normally I would apologize for not updating in a while, but I'm proud that I've updated very soon! So there! And thanks to Tassel630 for giving me the idea for the third chapter! And to those who thought this was all fluff, you're wrong! **

BPOV

I yawned as I stretched, just waking up. Today was my birthday!

"Edward?" I panicked, thinking he had left me in my bed.

"Yes, love?" asked a velvety voice. I calmed down immediately.

"Did you think I left?" he asked, coming into the light of my lamp. I sighed, and pulled him onto my bed. He leaned over to press his cool lips to mine, and my heart beat quickened.

_Knock knock. _

"Bella, honey? Are you up yet?" Came Charlie's voice from outside my bedroom door. I sighed.

"Yes, Ch-dad- I'm up now." I yawned loudly as if to prove my point. Charlie paused, as if to be listening. I heard his footsteps retreat down the stairs.

"Come on, you have to get ready for school." Edward pointed out. I groaned.

"Don't remind me."

Edward led me around to the passenger seat of his Volvo.

"No. I want to drive today."

"Bella, we've been through this already."

"It's my birthday today." I pointed out.

"Bella, just get the car."

"No. Not unless it's in the driver's seat."

"Fine."

I drove into the school parking lost, and I noticed there was a line to get in.

"Ugh." I groaned.

"Might as well use the extra time usefully." Edward smiled. I snuggled up to him as best as I could with my seat belt in. I puckered my lips, expecting his to be on mine-

_HONK! HONK!_

Apparently the line had proceeded on without us noticing, and now we were the holdup. I sighed and steered towards an empty parking space.

_Brrrrrrrrrrrrrring!_

The bell rang for first period. Great. Now it was time for gym. I trudged towards the gymnasium, unhappy. Gym was definitely _not_ my best subject. I quickly changed, and headed towards the middle of the gym where most of the class was. Mike strode over to me.

"Bella! We're doing baseball today. Hey, you don't look so good. Are you okay?" asked Mike.

_No, I'm not okay! Think of how many bruises I'm going to get when I'm armed with a heavy metal bat and you think that's okay!? _

"I'm fine."

"That's good." Mike was distracted by Jessica. Edward sidled over.

"Don't worry, you're not going to bat today, Alice saw it." He murmured in my ear.

_Alleluia! Alleluia! _"Good."

He trailed a line of kisses down my neck while the class was listening to the coach talk. When he got to my mouth, he paused. I pushed my face toward him, eager. He gave in to my soft brown eyes. He leaned in towards me-

_Tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! Tweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!_

The coach whistled for everyone to get a partner and practice throwing and catching.

"Partner?" Edward asked playfully.

Lunch! Yes! I was starving. After I bought my usual bagel and soda, Edward led me over to an empty table. I sat down gratefully and proceeded to tear open my bagel wrappings.

"Hungry?" Edward asked with a knowing look in his eye.

"Uh huh!" I said as I viciously bit into my bagel.

"So, about your birthday. Am I allowed to get you a gift?" asked Edward seriously. I eyed him suspiciously.

"Hmmm. You can get me ONE. And it can't be more than $85."

"What? You expect me to get a decent gift for you UNDER $85!?"

"That's my limit. Less than $85 or no present at all."

"Fine." He grumbled.

"Aww, is Eddie sad?" I teased.

"Oh, you're going to get it now!" he then proceeded to tickle me where ever he could.

"Ha-stop!-ha!" I couldn't stop giggling.

"Guess what?" he whispered in my ear.

"What?" I whispered back, already knowing the answer.

"I love you."

"I know."

"Hey, can I sit here?" asked someone behind me.

As Edward drove me home, I was in a grumpy mood. A sophomore had bumped into me, causing all of my books to scatter. Unfortunately, Edward was at his own locker, and couldn't help me. I was down on my hands and knees for seven minutes, trying to avoid everyone's legs and attempting not to be trampled. I had a few bruises to prove it.

When we arrived home, I fumbled with the key under the eaves and stumbled over the threshold. In the kitchen, I started to make dinner, and while stirring the pasta, leaned over to talk with Edward. He started to massage my back and shoulders, and I groaned in pleasure. I turned around to face him while he was caressing my shoulders.

"Ooh, that's better. Wait, in a little bit, right here." His lips took the place of his hands at my mouth.

"Hey, Bella." Charlie walked in.

"Why can't I have some alone time!? All day I've been waiting for some time for me and Edward, and EVERY SINGLE TIME we get interrupted! On my birthday! What a great present! Why don't you just bother me 24-7!?" I screamed at Charlie. I stormed up the stairs, leaving Edward and Charlie standing in stunned silence.

Finding his voice, Charlie said, "I-I just wanted to know how her day went."

**We're off to see the button! The wonderful button of reviews! Click it! (The wizard of Oz)**

**Click the button if you please. Click the button if you don't please. (The lady and the tramp. You know, the Siamese cats)**


	7. sorry

**I'm so proud of myself for updating so soon! Yay! Oh, and I just figured out I needed to put a disclaimer on every chapter. Silly me!**

**Disclaimer: You already know what it is so please don't call the police on me!**

**Bad news, guys. I don't really feel like updating, but I have zero zip no ideas! It might be awhile before I update. I'm sorry!**


	8. sugar high

**I'm really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really **** really sorry I haven't updated in like a year! Please don't be angry with me! Here's the next chapter!**

**Disclaimer: I could never be able to impersonate Stephenie Meyer!**

BPOV

_Edward and I sat in our meadow, facing each other. He leaned in, and-_

"BELLA!" WAKEY-WAKEY!"

I groaned as I sat up in Edward's colossal bed. I rubbed my eyes blearily, and squinted at the hazy, unmistakable form of Emmett jumping on the bed.

"No, I don't want to..."

"Oh, come on, Bella! Esme's breakfast is getting cold!"

"Do you HAVE to end each of your sentences with an exclamation point?" I whined. Emmett grinned mischievously.

"Wait..." I realized an important factor as I became functional enough to roll out from under the covers. "Where's Edward?" I panicked as I looked around the room, not seeing him.

"Oh, relax. Edward and Alice left early for their hunting trip. They'll be back tomorrow." I pouted, then realized I was ravenous.

* * *

After a delicious breakfast from Esme, I curled up on the couch. What was I going to do when I waited for Edward to return? At that moment, Emmett sauntered in the room.

"Hey, Bella!" He said excitedly. "Do you want to play some pranks?"

"Huh?" I asked, surprised. "Oh, uh.."

"Goodie!" Emmett clapped his monstrous hands together, reminding me of a two-year old.

"First, we need to get you in the _mood._" Emmett considered this obstacle.

* * *

Emmett dragged me to the grocery store, and into a certain sugar aisle.

"Okay, what do you want?"

"Hm... lets see, those things, and that, oh, and this..."

* * *

An hour and many empty candy wrappers later, I was giggling and in hysterics.

"So what should our first prank be?" I said with a hiccup. "Oh, how about this? We steal all Alice's credit cards, and replace her clothes with cheap outfits from Wal-Mart!"

"Oh, perfect, Bella! Hey, I think you need a new nickname, don't you? How about Ding-Dong since bells go ding dong? Or, just Dingy!! PERFECT!!"

I erupted into a fit of giggles.

* * *

We pulled the prank on Alice! Now, Emmett and I were in front of the TV, drinking from bottles of lemonade. Esme walked into the room, hearing our ruckus.

"Emmett! Why are you drinking lemonade? You know you'll have to get rid of it later." She warned.

"Esme!" I staggered over to her like a drunk, and hugged her. "We're having so much fun... come join us!" my words were slurred, my vision clouded, and went black.

* * *

I woke up in Edward's bed again, and drowsily sat up.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty."

"Edward!" I threw myself at him, then remembered yesterday. "Oh, um, hi!"

"Esme told me about what happened."

I grinned sheepishly. Alice walked into the room, and said "Bella! Why did you take all my clothes and credit cards!?"

"Oh, um, well..."

**Please press the purply-blue button! I'd really appreciate it, and I'mnot going to do the next chapter without 10 reviews, and I know I have more than 10 people reading my story, I have lots of hits. And PLEASE don't review just to punish me for not updating! I'll update as soon as I can, once I get 10 reviews! If you have any questions, ask me in the review.**


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